not gonna lie, i’m pretty bored in sacramento. part of it could be that burb life, but i think it’s also all i do is work here. it’s tax season after all. you would think there would be no time for boredom. and i have lots of things i could do — read, write, play little nightmares. so what makes it different from oakland. is it still the feeling of displacement? it’s not home. it’s like being on a trip with nothing to do. maybe i should try thinking of it more like ‘home’ for the time being. but how to make the shift? the mind needs to be stronger.

my dad told me he’s not talking to my mom anymore due to something she said back in december. no idea what it could have been, he said it was so vulgar he could not even repeat it. but this has always been the problem. talking but not openly talking. a whole generation who has hidden behind their social norms and suffered for it. i find my mom to be much easier to approach — hard to deal with, easy to approach.

mind is a bit scattered today, writing is a bit hard — not flowing. got a 90+ score on both readiness and sleep but still groggy. too much to do maybe, just want to get on with it. but this activity is to just write whatever, so here it is and it’s just whatevers. can’t be good every day.

i started browsing on amazon and caught myself, maybe also a sign of my mental state. wonder how meditating would go right now? feels uneasy. 12 seconds left. four five seconds to wildin’

lots to do this week. haven’t written for a while.

so 1 month sober, woohoo. i feel accomplished. didn’t actually think i would ever do it. in the past, even the thought of it just deterred. a lot of it was social though — the fear that situations would not be lubricated enough. but this month has proven that even though it can get a bit draggy and tiring, it’s all good. sometimes it’s nice to be the only clear-thinking person in the room. but it can also suck — not because of wanting to be a part of the group, but people can just be annoying when they are drunk and you are not. and it’s not them, it’s just them talking about the same topic over and over again or being overemphatic about things that are really not that interesting (to me). it’s a nice realization though and it’s all totally fine. just a different experience, it’s good to have a range of experiences in one’s life so i’m not complaining. if anything, thank you for allowing me to experience these things. helps me understand the human psyche better as well as my own.

i’m looking out the window right now, sitting at my sacramento desk. vision board in front of me on the screen — i really like it this year, owl, water, daisies and all. outside the lemon tree leaves are swaying in the wind. a few lemons still remain at the top of the tree having escaped e’s harvesting wrath only to eventually fall to it’s fate anyway. sky is blue, sunny, yet it looks cold. the world seems as it should be and life is good.

wow, time flies when you’re not having fun. back to writing and working out today. been knee-deep in alpha stuff the past two weeks, 60 hr work week last week. gah! felt good tho — lots of progress being made. lots of scariness too. like having to borrow for expenses, been in a cushy zone for a while and throwing myself out of it at age 40 feels bad, but mentally i know it just has to happen. i feel like i’m switching careers in a way and i know that can’t be easy. it’s not so obvious as with if you were a w2 employee. i hope i manage it well, not let the fear of insecurity swell up, but not in be in denial either. i mean, i’m only 40, right? why do people seem to always make it seem like you’re already 40. for more than half of those years you’re a confused mess anyway. these are the prime years to do sumthin’ — with some additional awareness and clarity. looking back, i somehow made it here in a pretty good whole piece. staying in sac has been eye opening to how sheltered i am. it makes me realize i am afraid of the world in some weird way, a world lacking in resources. cushy and cozy is nice. but i sense an unhappiness will settle in if i keep doing the same work that i’ve been doing, in that i just don’t find it enjoyable anymore. need to step it da’ eff ee-up! dork cussing, new dialect. keke

happy and prosperous new year to me! rawr. 🐯