Month: October 2022

thought drop 10.29

Yesterday I walked by London’s COVID memorial wall. At first I didn’t realize what it was so thought it was just corny and cute 鈾ワ笍 — a fun interactive art installation. Even took some selfies with E, he looked confused as to why I would want to. I’ve since deleted them after learning the true meaning — more so because I had meant the photo to be something that it was not, but it made me realize how important context is. We all live in our own contextualized world. If E had never told me what it really was or I hadn’t seen the sign, someone would probably judge me for it. Should you, can you judge someone based off of their ignorance? Would it be better to just let someone think something if it makes them happier? Who’s to judge happiness? Because we can’t and because it’s different for each person I guess we shouldn’t and so “the truth” is always better? I watched a movie recently (“based on a true lie”) in which an entire family faked a wedding because gma had cancer and they didn’t want her to know. Apparently in China this is “okay” — even the doctor was in on it.

Coming back to the wall. I felt a solemnity after I found out, more so because it was such an immediate contrast from what I had thought it to be. I felt stupid and silly, unaware of the “real” world. I started looking at the writings more closely. A lot of the same sentiment, however, the fact that they are not novel does not take away from them as the entire wall dealt with death and loss, the deepest of them all. There were some people who wrote multiple names as they had lost multiple people. I’m ever so thankful that I have not lost even one.

thought drop 10.27.22

It’s a travel day, Spain to London today. We got on the wrong train twice. Luckily, on the 2nd one, the ticket checker came around and told us we were on a nonstop train to somewhere one hr outside of Barcelona, meaning we would miss our flight. They literally had to stop the train at a stop they normally wouldn’t have just to let us off. SO nice, would this happen in the US? Hm…

I’m sitting here in a reclined position right now because my (sweat)pants are too tight. Cry. Just ate a bunch of free, priority pass lounge food that I normally wouldn’t have eaten had it not been free. I understand that this is the frugal cheapie in me. I ate a cold hotdog, it was surprisingly good tho! Nostalgic.

when will I learn the art of proper portioning. never.

thought drop 10.26.22

We’ve been in sitges for about 3 days now and finally feeling settled in, although tmrw we will be heading to London. We went to do laundry this morning and I got a baileys cappuccino while waiting. 馃構

Switched to an upgraded room in this two-star hotel and it really makes a difference. The other room was much more noisy and damp. This room was just 8 euro more per night and feels much more light and airy. I picked the other room because it was the lowest priced option without even weighing or looking at the other options. It’s the azn in me, too automatic sometimes to realize the cheapest option isn’t always the cheapest deal.

The azn in me really likes the cheap, seemingly high quality food here. Pate for 1,90 euro?! The canned stuff is even cheaper. Tons of cheap pickled things and tons of really fresh produce. Got a le tur-esque cheese for 3,99. The sliced meats are really good too for just a few euro per pack. Point is, would love to have this back in the states. Best of all, Ernest tells me the bread 馃 here won’t make me fat. 馃槢

Liberty Hotel, Sitges Spain

I wrote yesterday at the beach and it felt nice to do what I came here for. Starting to get into the groove of things and not so distracted by constant new stimulation. Also found that blogging on my phone is actually pretty easy. Doesn’t have to be this whole ordeal with bringing a laptop, looking for wifi, carrying pen and paper, etc.

Ok, the bad things. Too much eating and drinking, will tone it down. I’d be okay living off cheap food from the mercat for a few days. Cigarette smoke/throat irritation and mosquitoes. I have all these bites and some are quite painful. I have one on the side of my foot which hurts when I walk. I have one on my neck that makes it look like I got bit “by a one-toothed vampire” according to E. Two on my face, luckily my bangs cover. Small tiny ones on my finger. A handful on my left elbow that makes it looks like a butt. 馃崙馃お lol Some have big open holes in the middle, some are tiny and hurt to the touch. The worst ones form clusters of puss-filed bumps and bubbles that have potential to fester into big blisters. Gah! No matter where I go in the world, I get bitten. Mosquits est煤pids!

thought drop 10.17.22

It’s been a whirlwind, traveling for what seemed like 24 hours, 3 in flight changes in the way be here. Two flight changes about to come up. It hasn’t even been a week yet and I’m yearning for a sense of settledownness.

It’s Ernest’s birthday today. It’s the first year I did not get him a gift. More out of pure busyness than anything else. We’ll celebrate I’m Barcelona, it’ll be nice.

I tried to do some writing while in Tenerife. Tried to describe the scenic view in front of me and realized how bad I am at it. No one would be able to imagine what I was seeing from my words. Mainly due to my lack of vocabulary and ability to piece it together.

I feel fat. Why does it always have to be like this in vacay. Why does it always have to be eating what I want just does that? But maybe it’s just the drinking. Need to do more self experimentation.

Was pretty proud of myself for not drinking on every part of the trip. The ability to get free drinks is strong in me tho. As well as free food. Practicing saying no more.

card #1 from writing down the bones deck

#3

i’m thinking of how fcking tired i am right now and how i have so much work to do. woke up at 2:30, should not drink after 9. i’m thinking of how hard it is to concentrate when your mind is swollen. i’m thinking of the fact that i’ve poisoned myself once again. not hungover, but poisoned myself out of sleep — not sure which feeling is worse. i’m thinking of my empty stomach, how pewp can weigh more than a lb. why is lb. the shortcut for pounds? i should look it up, or should i? why does it matter. i’m thinking of making myself a sammich, keto bread and salami. i’m thinking of spain, of spending time with e. i’m thinking of how it won’t be how i imagine, it never is. i think that is exciting. i’m thinking of the work i need to do before then and how hard it is to find help. i’m thinking of everything that everyone wants, we’re all walking balls of motivation, bouncing every which way, toward away into each other. i’m thinking of not wanting to be bumped anymore, it was fun for a while, but it’s time to move on. i’m thinking of when is this ten minutes going to end, did i even set the alarm? i’m thinking of asking google but will continue. i’m thinking of what i will create on dall-e today. i still consider it art. little baby ai art. come from you, into the world, and gives you something back. i’m thinking of why didn’t the lady card me yesterday? but why should i expect to look like i’m 21 when i’m actually 41? seems extremely unrealistic. i’m thinking of aging gracefully. and how i don’t want to accept it yet. blue mascara, sparkly eyeliner. vitamin c vitamin a. google says i have 1 min and 40 secs to go. 10 minutes is a long time when your brain feels squeezed. pressure on the top, front cranky baby today for sure. i’m thinking of having to continue to write and i’m really out of brain juice. pew pew pew. 

thought drop / prompt 10.5.22

#2

i really enjoy these quiet mornings. i wouldn’t enjoy them if i had them all the time, but this is a special time where i’m afforded these mornings due to circumstance, all of which can change at any moment. when i was upset this past weekend, i imagined how it would be to no longer be in this flat. how it would be to live at chad, in the little office room, converted to a room. i’d have no privacy, no quiet time in the morning. the first thing i do in the morning when i wake up is try to calm my brain. right when i wake up, it’s racing with all the things i’m worried about, going through the day, figuring out how it will play out, things that need to be done. sometimes i’m able to tell it “settle down” and just listen to how quiet it is, little creeks, the birds, the traffic from freeway. all calming sounds, sounds that the entire world is out there with its rythm and i should try to be a part of it, unstuck in my head. i then tell google to turn the lights on, makes me feel like the sun is rising, and it’s time to wake up even though it’s pitch dark outside. i get up, go straight to the mirror, put on my contacts and look at myself. it’s good to give yourself a good look, see how your face is changing. i wonder if other people look at themselves as often as i do. what would it be like to not look at myself for a prolonged period of time? i place my glasses down on the bright burnt orange cart next to the sink and tell myself to remember to take them back to my ‘night stand’ (which is just some vintagy looking table i stole from my mom’s place) so it’s ready for me that night when i go to sleep. it drives e crazy but at night, when i go to sleep, i take off my contacts and just put them in the bed. they are dailies, they then dry up and turn into these tiny hard pucks that look like half folded creepy eyeballs that have the ability to inflict tiny sharp pains to your skin if rolled on at just the right angle. i make my coffee: 3 parts instant coffee, equal parts of heavy whipping cream, 1 part collagen. and then if i’m lucky, i have the luxury of being able to go read and drink my coffee on my dark ‘vietnamese green’ couch. 1 part put together by me, 1 part put together by R, and 1 part put together by E&me. I finally start reading, hoping and wishing to be moved by what I’m about to read.

i look out onto the flat, this tiny expanse, small haven we’ve created for ourselves that i now currently call home and am glad i am in it.