Hola,
I did a few things this week that made me feel good.
This is my third week of consuming alcohol only two days a week. I was able to squeeze in some yoga. Now, I just need to get my diet under wraps.
I decided I am going to buck up and spend more time being productive, although it is at the cost of seeing E less… for now. 🙁
We celebrated my mom’s birthday yesterday. Each year on my mom’s birthday, I reflect on her life in relation to how I see it and each year I feel some form of sadness or regret for her, which makes me feel guilty. This year, I feel like she’s in a better place. She seems more calm and complacent about things. Some big things that happened for her this past year is she got a full-time job for the entire year and can afford at least her basic needs like groceries and small knick knacks from Goodwill that make her happy. This changed her attitude a lot when it came to money-related things. She became much less petty. She became less of a hoarder. Not having money seemed like the crux of a lot of her sorrows. I sometimes feel guilty that I didn’t try harder to make money so I could fully take care of her. I only make enough to afford my lifestyle at the expense of my mom’s to some degree. I never realized what losing the house truly meant to her, but now that even I’m not so sure about my living situation sometimes, I can see why someone who values stability would be devastated from losing her house. Also, in Vietnamese culture, I think it’s a big thing to keep the family together and grow old with your children and having the house I think gave her a certain hope that one day we might all end up back with her or at least she could provide for us if we needed it. I’m not sure if she really even understood her own psyche at the time. She seemed like she was mostly in denial and making unreasonable decisions to be able to keep the house, but looking back, I think I understand what she was doing a bit better. At the time, it was extremely frustrating – especially because it seemed like she was throwing away my money to do it. Anyway, I diverge. Point is, I’m happy that my mom is in a better place. I hope that with each year starting with last year, her life gets better and better. Perhaps I can even make a commitment to help make that happen and not be so self absorbed with myself as I’ve been most of her life with me in it. I resolve to not snap at her even when I get frustrated with her insistent mom-like tendencies. God/Buddha bless you, mom.
-ed