At Le Bar, Signes Spain
I told him
That I don’t need love,
“but I want it”
and i feel it coming back
it’s hard for me to ask for things
Loud thumping music
Different tempos
Ernest
It’s been a whirlwind, traveling for what seemed like 24 hours, 3 in flight changes in the way be here. Two flight changes about to come up. It hasn’t even been a week yet and I’m yearning for a sense of settledownness.
It’s Ernest’s birthday today. It’s the first year I did not get him a gift. More out of pure busyness than anything else. We’ll celebrate I’m Barcelona, it’ll be nice.
I tried to do some writing while in Tenerife. Tried to describe the scenic view in front of me and realized how bad I am at it. No one would be able to imagine what I was seeing from my words. Mainly due to my lack of vocabulary and ability to piece it together.
I feel fat. Why does it always have to be like this in vacay. Why does it always have to be eating what I want just does that? But maybe it’s just the drinking. Need to do more self experimentation.
Was pretty proud of myself for not drinking on every part of the trip. The ability to get free drinks is strong in me tho. As well as free food. Practicing saying no more.
#3
i’m thinking of how fcking tired i am right now and how i have so much work to do. woke up at 2:30, should not drink after 9. i’m thinking of how hard it is to concentrate when your mind is swollen. i’m thinking of the fact that i’ve poisoned myself once again. not hungover, but poisoned myself out of sleep — not sure which feeling is worse. i’m thinking of my empty stomach, how pewp can weigh more than a lb. why is lb. the shortcut for pounds? i should look it up, or should i? why does it matter. i’m thinking of making myself a sammich, keto bread and salami. i’m thinking of spain, of spending time with e. i’m thinking of how it won’t be how i imagine, it never is. i think that is exciting. i’m thinking of the work i need to do before then and how hard it is to find help. i’m thinking of everything that everyone wants, we’re all walking balls of motivation, bouncing every which way, toward away into each other. i’m thinking of not wanting to be bumped anymore, it was fun for a while, but it’s time to move on. i’m thinking of when is this ten minutes going to end, did i even set the alarm? i’m thinking of asking google but will continue. i’m thinking of what i will create on dall-e today. i still consider it art. little baby ai art. come from you, into the world, and gives you something back. i’m thinking of why didn’t the lady card me yesterday? but why should i expect to look like i’m 21 when i’m actually 41? seems extremely unrealistic. i’m thinking of aging gracefully. and how i don’t want to accept it yet. blue mascara, sparkly eyeliner. vitamin c vitamin a. google says i have 1 min and 40 secs to go. 10 minutes is a long time when your brain feels squeezed. pressure on the top, front cranky baby today for sure. i’m thinking of having to continue to write and i’m really out of brain juice. pew pew pew.
#2
i really enjoy these quiet mornings. i wouldn’t enjoy them if i had them all the time, but this is a special time where i’m afforded these mornings due to circumstance, all of which can change at any moment. when i was upset this past weekend, i imagined how it would be to no longer be in this flat. how it would be to live at chad, in the little office room, converted to a room. i’d have no privacy, no quiet time in the morning. the first thing i do in the morning when i wake up is try to calm my brain. right when i wake up, it’s racing with all the things i’m worried about, going through the day, figuring out how it will play out, things that need to be done. sometimes i’m able to tell it “settle down” and just listen to how quiet it is, little creeks, the birds, the traffic from freeway. all calming sounds, sounds that the entire world is out there with its rythm and i should try to be a part of it, unstuck in my head. i then tell google to turn the lights on, makes me feel like the sun is rising, and it’s time to wake up even though it’s pitch dark outside. i get up, go straight to the mirror, put on my contacts and look at myself. it’s good to give yourself a good look, see how your face is changing. i wonder if other people look at themselves as often as i do. what would it be like to not look at myself for a prolonged period of time? i place my glasses down on the bright burnt orange cart next to the sink and tell myself to remember to take them back to my ‘night stand’ (which is just some vintagy looking table i stole from my mom’s place) so it’s ready for me that night when i go to sleep. it drives e crazy but at night, when i go to sleep, i take off my contacts and just put them in the bed. they are dailies, they then dry up and turn into these tiny hard pucks that look like half folded creepy eyeballs that have the ability to inflict tiny sharp pains to your skin if rolled on at just the right angle. i make my coffee: 3 parts instant coffee, equal parts of heavy whipping cream, 1 part collagen. and then if i’m lucky, i have the luxury of being able to go read and drink my coffee on my dark ‘vietnamese green’ couch. 1 part put together by me, 1 part put together by R, and 1 part put together by E&me. I finally start reading, hoping and wishing to be moved by what I’m about to read.
i look out onto the flat, this tiny expanse, small haven we’ve created for ourselves that i now currently call home and am glad i am in it.
#1
drank too much yesterday and got in a fight with e. blegh. we’ve made up but there are a few things i need to be cognizant of and i’m writing them down to make them more real.
stop acting like a mom. treat him like an adult. trust that he’ll figure it out even though it’s not on my time table. realize there is only so much I can do to help.
keep my urge of wanting to walk away when things get hard under wraps. so many people can’t walk away from their situations and they learn to deal with them, like normal, mentally healthy, unspoiled adults.
tell people if i want or need support. admitting that to myself though is already hard enough, but i have to work on letting my partner know and understand. people can’t read minds. (but they can read blogs i suppose…)
don’t let that inner child, scared of attachment/easier to be alone, take over
“a field of tall polkadot tentacles and flowers, psychedelic”
and just do something