#2
i really enjoy these quiet mornings. i wouldn’t enjoy them if i had them all the time, but this is a special time where i’m afforded these mornings due to circumstance, all of which can change at any moment. when i was upset this past weekend, i imagined how it would be to no longer be in this flat. how it would be to live at chad, in the little office room, converted to a room. i’d have no privacy, no quiet time in the morning. the first thing i do in the morning when i wake up is try to calm my brain. right when i wake up, it’s racing with all the things i’m worried about, going through the day, figuring out how it will play out, things that need to be done. sometimes i’m able to tell it “settle down” and just listen to how quiet it is, little creeks, the birds, the traffic from freeway. all calming sounds, sounds that the entire world is out there with its rythm and i should try to be a part of it, unstuck in my head. i then tell google to turn the lights on, makes me feel like the sun is rising, and it’s time to wake up even though it’s pitch dark outside. i get up, go straight to the mirror, put on my contacts and look at myself. it’s good to give yourself a good look, see how your face is changing. i wonder if other people look at themselves as often as i do. what would it be like to not look at myself for a prolonged period of time? i place my glasses down on the bright burnt orange cart next to the sink and tell myself to remember to take them back to my ‘night stand’ (which is just some vintagy looking table i stole from my mom’s place) so it’s ready for me that night when i go to sleep. it drives e crazy but at night, when i go to sleep, i take off my contacts and just put them in the bed. they are dailies, they then dry up and turn into these tiny hard pucks that look like half folded creepy eyeballs that have the ability to inflict tiny sharp pains to your skin if rolled on at just the right angle. i make my coffee: 3 parts instant coffee, equal parts of heavy whipping cream, 1 part collagen. and then if i’m lucky, i have the luxury of being able to go read and drink my coffee on my dark ‘vietnamese green’ couch. 1 part put together by me, 1 part put together by R, and 1 part put together by E&me. I finally start reading, hoping and wishing to be moved by what I’m about to read.
i look out onto the flat, this tiny expanse, small haven we’ve created for ourselves that i now currently call home and am glad i am in it.
