the details are a blur, my parents walking me to the building from the car. i felt somewhat out of body. unsure of what was going to happen to me in there. i knew i had to not think about it, just do what the moment called for. and these sort of moments just called for a high sense of denial, of making oneself unaware of all else other than one’s needed physical movements. put one foot in the front of the other, keep your face straight (i had to, my parents did), deny that the tears want to well up from deep down inside. as i write this the tears decide to trickle down, a sign of growth (i hope). think papers were signed and then i was put into a small holding cell. it was clean, nothing like what you see in the movies. and of all things, near the library, ironic thinking of all the innocent (not so innocent) times i spent in the library. “studying” with my boyfriends and just hanging out with friends. a sense of time was lost so i started counting tiles. they were small, brown maybe? it’s been so long my mind eludes me, even if i wanted to remember. and now, i do want to remember. why is it so easy to forget? even the things you eventually don’t want to.
#1
been in a limbo state but think i need to start operating like normal again. the biz sale stuff has been really stressful, just thinking of all the possibilities and putting so much weight on it. there is a pressure that i’m not really used to, perhaps it’s just the pressure of change. need to reign it all in and not be so obsessed about the future, come back to the moment.
#1
day 6 in iowa and i’m starting to feel the differences much more. a lot more quiet and you really have to be creative and proactive about doing things. in the bay (also because my life is there) things just pop up and fall into place. there’s usually too much to do. also remember what it’s like to be a kid and have no car or options unless your parent takes you somewhere. so many kids with busy parents who don’t, just end up watching tv at home alone. i should be thankful for my mom back then. she always took us out on weekends. we would go to san jose (lion’s plaza) and walk around. eating, visiting vietnamese music shops, buying little knick knacks or star paper. kinda miss those days now that i think about it. days where it was fun for me to do those things with my mom, days where i was excited to do things with her. i used to love wearing the clothes she sewed. and in some way she hasn’t stopped. she still makes us stuff. trying to pinpoint it back to a certain point in time where my mentality changed from all that. was it due to her constant nagging and yelling and overbearingness or was it just due to me growing up and taking those things for granted. i wonder if my mom noticed the shift, or was it too gradual to notice. just a bunch of little negative happenings that lead us to stop spending time together as a family. for as long as i can remember, i don’t remember my dad ever coming along. i think when 151177, 17781, and I stopped she continued to take 781771 and 68744. i wonder when that stopped. thinking of her sitting at home alone, with nothing to do and no one to take out is sadmaking. and it’s something i just unrealizingly let pass by… 🙁
#1
ok, so much for writing every day. travelling got in the way.
i’ve never felt so behind with work, feels like i’m drowing in it. however, i have a strong urge not to work on the weekends or evenings anymore even though i know i should. something in me tells me i should be doing something more fulfilling with my time. not that that is happening much either. need to cut back on the socialness. refocus on doing something. but you also can’t juggle too many things at once. so one thing at a time.
iowa. nice town we’re in right now. think this is the true meaning of surburbia — what arcade fire sings about. even in the bay, the burbs are much more robust and close enough to the bustling city. it’s quiet out here, peaceful. fields for days. clean, modern. cookie cutter, but even so, not as cookie cutter as some bay area neighborhoods. went to a sprint car race and my race became very apparent for the first time in a long while. i was the only asian person i saw at a pretty big event, ernest the only with big hair. but it didn’t really matter much.
been hanging out with an 11 yo, pretty fun at this age. i was let into a secret club, was shown a book of magic, made a ‘horror movie’ in which most of the sound track is just of us laughing, and we started a shell and rock collection. good kid. kind of makes me wish i had done more of this with YC, but it was neither the time nor the brain space.
#2
feels nice getting up in the morning and having a quiet, private purpose
once again, the day feels rushed
rushing in, meditation lacking
T.R. made me work out yesterday, which was really nice of him
at first writing to my mom seemed like just a thing to do, to show her that she is cared for. however, as of late, I enjoy telling her what i’m up to in this context. she probably would have never known that i’m going to iowa this weekend or what my week consisted of as we don’t really don’t have that type of relationship. there was a point in time where i just stopped telling her about my life because she just always disapproved of it and i never really fell back into the habit of rushing home and sharing my day with her. for as far as i can remember (which i admit is not far), i don’t ever remember doing this ever. each day seemed too busy. even in elementary school. i don’t remember her ever asking me about what happened during the school day, and i was already a shy, quiet child. a lot of our conversations exchanges revolved around what needs to be done and when and how to get it done, understandably so for a young mom. anyway, it’s nice sharing little tidbits of life with her now — even the super simple things and even though a short card cannot possibly hold all the complexitries.
#1
mkay, it’s been a month and half since i’ve written. new goal since i’m not taking a class this fall, i will write every single day, even if it’s just a one liner. so lots going on, been in a transitional phase with alpha and client work is definitely suffering, feeling behind on everything — each day is a struggle to catch up. each day, something new comes up. i feel financially stressed or rather, i just feel like i shouldn’t be spending money the way that i have been. mostly just socializing but it adds up. it’s definitely a feeling i haven’t had for a while, but when you feel like your funds might be finite, it’s a scary feeling. i’ve been working since 15 and have never experienced a time where no new money was flowing, definitely uneasy.
also, kempton has a new foster pup! ♥
“hobbies for effed up people (R)”
listening to the new arcade fire album, so GOOD — particularly in the context of amusing ourselves to death. a lot of themes of the modern age (and mentions of television) and how we are all lost and anxious, the album is comforting in a woody allen-esque way. it makes me feel like someone out there gets it and can put it into artistic form that is emotionally digestible. sitting in this room, i felt a clarity, maybe my meditation is coming into fruition. the bubble of my mind, yet another bubble. rabbit hole, plastic soul.
i also recently made the decision not to pursue psychedelics, it may sound rigid, but it is actually in order to keep my mind open. i feel like i’m on a good path right now in terms of where my mind is going, i don’t feel the need or want to change or alter it (i’ve been doing this all my life), i want to see where i take myself. slow & steady. finally learning grass isn’t always greener. and just me is enough. <3
fake plastic rubber plant
Listened to some Joseph Goldstein this morning (3:30 am, woke up, trying to fall back asleep). He talked about motivations, past and future, and death.
I seem to have been obsessed with the past and future lately. Past in the form of just thinking a lot about what has happened and why people have come to be where they are. Understanding the past means understanding what you can do about the future. But also a clinging to what has passed. And maybe I need to just let it go. With friends, with exes, with my mom. Everything changes and acceptance of that is important. Otherwise you just obsess about people and not about living with them. Over analyzing, feel like I’m doing something when in reality I’m doing nothing. I also spend so much time prepping for the future instead of just doing things in the present. But it’s just honestly easier to prep for the thing instead of actually doing the thing. But I’m also afraid that I’ll look up one day and realize I let all this time pass me by and didn’t do anything, just prepped. And then death comes upon me and it’s just over before it even started. Also spending too much time worried about others, and my relationship to/with them is a big hold-back. I really believe if everyone just does their thing, we all come together in some beautiful way. But obsessing about what others are doing in relation to you seems counterproductive. It takes you away from your own things. At the end of the day, I trust the people around me will turn out to be okay — with or without me. Not that I want to just disappear, just stop obsessing.
I’ve been thinking about death a lot, about the moment E dies or the moment I die. We are each other’s people and one of us will not be there for the other during such a big ‘milestone.’ I know I will be scared if I am who I am today. Working on it and hopefully I arrive at some other place before the time comes. I find comfort in Thoreau’s approach. And ’til the end, he was still in the present, doing something, his thing. “there was much comfort in perfect disease as in perfect health, the mind always conforming to the condition of the body”
got up pretty early today. need to continue writing to mom even though she’s not here. lots of random stuff to do, it’s kind of crazy how much work gets put into creating a space the sheer work alone makes me want to be a homebody, to stay home and utilize it. and really, home can be just that — don’t have to go far or to a cafe to get some thoughts down. i sound like a g-ma lol
hm, coffee is good today — i’ve been putting too much water. :\
i listened to Dune, finished it. really like it — production was great (audio).
putting this down here so it might become more of a reality, going back to yoga! will probably get sick from it, guess it’s not the end of the world. better than feeling stiff and sluggish.
going to write to my dad, find some common ground somewhere, religion has it’s good parts and i just need to parse them out. i want him to feel heard and seen. perhaps it’ll make him feel less lonely.
so, i’ve been kind of obsessed about when i’m going to get this couch. but i don’t think it’s because i’m materialistic, ‘ocd’ maybe. just want it done. not sure how people spend their whole lives buying more all the time, nesting. we spend so much of our time prepping for life that we don’t really live it. listened to some joseph goldstein the other day — a piece about not always being in the past, not being in the future, but even not being obsessed with the present. just be and it really resonated.